If the shoe hurts, why do you wear it again?

It is the oddest thing to admit that I have a closet full of shoes, most of which hurt my feet. There it is; I said it out load. Just don’t tell my husband that he was right.

Each day as I scan the rows of shoes, which line the endless shelves of my closet, I contemplate which matching shoes will hurt my feet the least. That’s right, I have shoes in my closet that gave me blisters the last time I wore them. I still have shoes that plainly don’t fit my feet. Some are too big or too small, too wide or too narrow, and others have heals that are too high or too unstable for my age and/or body size. Yet, I hold on to them. Why do I assume that they will fit better or hurt less the next time I wear them? Why do I try to hide the fact that I make poor choices when it comes to buying shoes?

How did I get such a mixed bag of sizes, shapes and colors? Well, some of them were bought on sale, so I could not return them. Some were bought at fancy boutiques and I was just too embarrassed to return them. Some shoes, with the tags still attached, were bought too long ago. I waited too long to try them on and the store return period expired. Nonetheless, there is a common theme; I invested good money in each of these shoes. I have literally spent thousands of dollars on my treasure trove of shoes. So, why would I discard them? What would I have to lose if I gave them away?

With time our memory fades. We forget how badly those shoes treated our feet the last time we wore them. Not having worn them for six months or more, we rediscover them in our closet to be a perfect match with our newest outfit. We feel elated, as if we got a “freebie” when we discover that we already have shoes to match. Ah, the perfect ensemble, at the perfect price, without having to spend any more money for our debut. Even now, it gives me goose-bumps just thinking about it. We try the shoes on in the closet and they feel fine. At last, it is a new day and a new opportunity to show off our finest footwear.

Why does it seem that the shoes fits fine for the first hour or just long enough for us to leave out the front door? Then, just when we are fully engaged in our activity, the pain begins. We try to ignore it at first, talking ourselves through the discomfort, “It’s doesn’t hurt that bad. I can take it.” Before we know it, the aching becomes unbearable. Yet, we still limp along trying to complete our dinner date, business appointment or social event. At some point, our agony becomes evident to others. That’s about the time that we give up the hoax! We take those shoes off and carry them in our hand or put them in our purse. The strangest thing about this ritual, every woman understands her sister’s pain and will empathize with her. Rarely, will we break rank and chastise her for buying ill-fitting shoes. What kind of message are we sending? Is it socially acceptable to make poor shoe choices? Why do we try to normalize this dysfunctional behavior?

This dysfunctional behavior is not limited to just footwear. We often make the same poor decisions with our dates/suitors/spouses. I am not pointing fingers because I resemble this remark. If I reflect back on my past relationships, I have to ask myself, “How did I get such a mixed bag of sizes, shapes and colors?” Why did I hold on to relationships that hurt my mind, body and soul? Why didn’t I discard them easily? Was it because I had invested countess feelings, time and money into the relationships? Was it because I was trying to hide the fact that I make poor choices when it came to selecting partners? Why did I continue to date those who treated me badly the last time I was with them? Why did I try to ignore the pain at first, talking myself through the discomfort, “It’s doesn’t hurt that bad. I can take it.” But, more importantly, why didn’t my sisters break rank and challenge me about my ill-matched partners? What kind of message was their silence sending? Is it socially acceptable to make poor choices? Why did I try to normalize this dysfunctional behavior?

Have you ever reflected on your current, past or future relationship? Have you asked yourself the same questions? Should you ask yourself these questions? Will you be able to handle the answers that you find? Why? Why not? Isn’t it time that we start being honest with ourselves about shoes, first? And, then honest about our relationships?

How do you decide which old shoes to toss?

Conversation Starter
Shopper: How many shoes are too many? How do you decide which old shoes to toss?
Dater: How many dating mementos are too many? How do you decide which keepsakes to toss?

Discussion:
I am planning to move to a new home in the next month. As I think about the number of boxes that I will need, I take stock of my stuff. This is when it dawns on me that perhaps I have too many shoes. I have 12 vertical shelves of shoes and a large pile on the floor of the closet, at any given time. I keep saying that I am going to throw some away, give some to friends or charity. But every shoe has a story, like memories of a night out on the town. The fancy ones tell stories of family vacations or celebrations. The two rows of athletic shoes reflect my intent to start exercising, any day now, but rarely leave the shelf. My summer flip-flops and high-heel sandals remind me that sunny days lie just ahead of winter. My boots beg me for a snow day or an old-fashion rodeo. I am from Texas after all, so I have quite a few boots! The truth is… I have a lot of shoes. So, how many shoes are too many? How do you decide which shoes to toss?

Each year I listen to the organizers on the radio or TV which encourage us to throw away anything that hasn’t been wore in the previous year. That’s seems drastic to me. I know that as soon as I part with my barely worn heals, loafers or tennis shoes, I will need them gain. So, I hold on to everything, too long. Instead, I buy another one of those fancy shoe organizers or add custom shelves to another closet in the house. My husband just laughs at me with his ten or so pairs of shoes. He wears them all routinely until they are completely worn out and then he buys three to four new pairs. It amazes me how easily he can toss those ill-fitting shoes or well-worn shoes in the trash. Why can’t I do that?

The same can be said about out past relationships. How long should we hold on to trinkets, pictures or gifts from our past relationships? How long should we hold on to the good memories and the bad memories? Just like my shoes, each of those things or events tells a story or conjures up past emotions. Is it prudent to have so many reminders to prompt past memories? Is it healthy to have so many things to distract you from your current/new relationship? Where do you put your new memories, if your mind or heart is still in the past? How long is long enough to hold on to past relics? My younger sister once said, “Partners are like bras, you wear them for support. When they stop supporting you, you buy a new one.” I don’t know if she is right or wrong. What do you think? How do you decide which mementos or memories to toss?

Let the truth be known...

Do you recognize these women? They are Rihanna, R&B Pop Star, Robin Givens, Actress, and Bria McDonald, Former Ms. Black Arizona 1990.

We were all stunned by the startling images of superstar Rihanna after her violent confrontation with boyfriend Chris Brown. In the new media that followed, we were reminded of the turbulent times between Robin Givens and Mike Tyson. It remindes us all of an unresolved issue in this country, Domestic Violence. There are millions of women, like Dr. Bria McDonald, who have frightening stories that are never shared. Abuse can cause injury and even death, but it does not have to be physical. It can include verbal and emotional abuse - constant insults, isolation from friends and family, name calling, controlling what someone wears - and it can also include sexual abuse. It can happen to anyone, at any age, regardless of race, religion, level of education, or economic background.

This violent trend also occurs when dating and is growing at a rapid rate, especially among teens. While parents may still be in denial, the data indicates that teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Young women need a dating safety plan. We believe that teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, understand that they have choices, and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect. Let's join forces to break the silence and start a national campaign to start "must have" conversations about ending Dating Violence in America.

Do you remember the first pair of shoes that you selected? How much did the shoes cost you?

I can recall the first pair of shoes purchased with own money that I had saved money from working part-time at the local cafeteria. It seems liked so much money, earning thirty dollars or so each week. Yet, after taxes, it was far less than I had expected. Nonetheless, with a little discipline, I saved enough to buy a pair of the most popular style shoe, a suede loafer. The loafers looked like men's shoe: bulky, brown with a flat heal. The wide shoe style did not fit my narrow feet very well. But I had to have a pair. After all, all the cool kids were wearing them. My mother had refused to buy me a pair because they didn't fit my feet or look "becoming on a young lady." So, it was up to me, she said, if I wanted to waste my money on those "clown" shoes. Well, that's exactly what I did. As soon as I could, I bought a pair. I was so proud of myself. I did it, all on my own. I could hardly wait until the next day to wear them to school. However, due to the rain, I had to wait three days before I could safely show off my new suede shoes.

The day finally came, I was wearing my shoes! It was hard walking to school because the shoes kept slipping up and down my heal. By the time I arrive, a blister had started to form. I refused to give up the fight. I limped from class to class, smiling each time my classmates commented on my new shoes. All the while, I couldn't wait to take them off as I slid into my seat upon entering each class. The lunch time hour was the greatest challenge because the new shoes prevented me from joining in our usual game of tag. I just sat and watched. Then, the unthinkable happened, my hot dog with ketchup and mustard slipped out of my hands. Without a moments notice, my new shoes were stained. I could not believe it. My mother had warned me that suede was probably not the best texture for school shoes. At last, she was right! The mess got worst when I tried to wash them off in the girls bathroom. Once wet, the shoes became a dust and dirt magnet. With every step, the shoes became more and more filthy. By the end of the school day, I took the shoes off and walked home barefooted. I felt defeated! I had made not only a bad decision, but a costly choice, too. Too ashamed to admit to my mother that she was right and I was wrong, I hid those loafers in the back of my closet and never wore or spoke of the again (until now).

With every first time event a memory is etched into your long-term memory. The details of that event stick with you, even thirty five years later. As with the memory of the loafers. I can still smell the fresh suede, feel the softness of its texture and recall emotionally my excitement of the purchasing experience. However, I can equally remember the pain of that blister and the shame of not taking my mother's advice. The same is true of other first time events in our life, such as our first kiss, boyfriend, date, intimate relationship, and the first heartbreak. The moral of this story is we should be reminded that we always remember our first of everything. We should be advised to stop and think before we create memories that we don't want to recall later.

Ask yourself how this story can apply to your relationships. Do you sometimes date partners because it is the popular thing to do? Do you take all the factors into consideration before you make your selection? What do you do when you realise that you have made a poor decision? What do you do when a relationship hurts? After the relationship is over, what do you do with those feelings? Those memories? Do you grow from the lessons learned to build stronger relationships in the future?

Why do I keep shoes that I won't wear?

Gazing at the bottom of my closet, again, it is obvious that I still have shoes that I haven't worn in years. I question, "Why do I continue to keep shoes that I can't or won't wear anymore?"

I keep some of them up front, so I can see them each day. I have hopes that today will be the day I start wearing them again. I tell myself, "these shoes were too expensive to just sit here in the closet." My favorite $500 pair of "Jimmy Choo's" shoes come to mind. They are beautiful to the eye. They are the perfect accessories to any dress. They are the kind of shoes that draw everyone's attention to my legs and feet. This is a desired effect when you are single with long, firm, brown legs (at any age). So, why don't I wear them more often? The truth is, the extreme arch that is created by the height of the narrow heal, which places all my weight on the balls of my feet, is excruciatingly painful after just 15 minutes of standing. Plainly put, these shoes are made for sitting only! Any other activity, beyond finding your seat, would result in the kind of despair that you can't hide. Consequently, the shoes rarely leave the my closet, and almost never leave out the front door.

Conversely, there are those shoes that I keep in the back of my closet. They are not so attractive, but oh so comfortable. These shoes are most likely to have an odd color or atypical texture. They only match one outfit, and sometimes you have to stretch to make them palatable with that one outfit. The heals are low, the toes are wide and the soles are thick. There is nothing sexy about these shoes. They just feel good. So, why don't I wear them more often? The answer is simple, I want to look as perky as possible. These shoes, conversely, are a dead give away that I am over forty (LOL). Besides, no one under that age was even around when they were for sale in the stores.

So, why can't I separate myself from these shoes? I need to let go of the past, in some cases. I need to come face to face with the fact that I made a poor choice (purchase), in other cases. Either way, I need to remove the clutter in my closet to make room for the new shoes to come. I need to learn from both the good and bad experiences with shoes. I don't need to stop wearing shoes. I just need to be more clear about my motives to buy shoes in the future. Lastly, I need to keep the comfort and the health of my feet at the forefront of all my footwear decisions. Specifically, I need to put my needs first! So, join me in a commitment to throw away all those shoes the you can't or won't wear anymore.

The same evaluation could be made regarding the partners in our lives. Why do we keep partners around that no longer fit our life style? Why can't we stop seeing those partners that hurt us emotionally or otherwise? Why do we keep some memories of past relationships at the forefront of our conversations? Why do we measure our worth based on the aesthetic value or status of our relationships? Why can't we just agree to become more educated shoppers in the future? Are we ready to let go of some of the clutter in our closet, yet?

Why do I have so many shoes?

Each morning I look into my closet and see so many shoes. I wonder where they all came from. Then I quickly remember, each shoe has attached to it a story, an outfit, an event or an emotion. This adds to the difficult choice of what shoe to wear for the day. If it is a fancy shoe, that will exclude it from all my casual outfits. If it is cold or rainy day weather shoe, that will eliminate it from being worn on sunny days. If it reminds me of a negative experience, I might try to avoid it when my spirits are high. On the contrary, I might cling to it, like a security blanket, when I want to feel sorry for myself. Then, there are those shoes, clearly outdated, that remind me of a time when I was young, carefree, and starry eyed. I can't wear them comfortably anymore, as my shoe size has changed with age. Besides, I am certain that the fashion police would surely arrest me before I made it half way down the block. So, I keep them in clear plastic shoe boxes and glaze up at them on the closet shelf from time to time. At last, after thirty minutes of this mental exercise, my watch beckons for a decision if I am going to make it to my next appointment on time. Oh boy...which shoe should I wear? And why do I have so many shoes, again? To tell you the truth, I am a little bit embarrassed to admit the actual number of shoes. Let's suffice it to say, I could go months without wearing the same shoe twice. Let me also admit, there a few shoes that I wish I had left behind in the store. You know what some say, "If the shoe fits, wear it!" While others claim, "I have never met a shoe that I didn't like!" I would like to add to the chorus, "Don't take home every shoe you try on."

Dating and relationships are kind of like the shoes in your closet. Can you identify with any of the "shoe" cliches above? Do you ever wonder where they all came from? Is it true that each relationship memory has attached to it a story, an outfit, an event or an emotion? If true, then how do you decide which relationship ought to be active or non-active in your day to day life? Do you make your decisions based on the weather, the upcoming events, or emotional context clues? Do you hold on too long to relationships that don't fit your current needs, desires, or stage in life? How much time do you spend thinking about your relationships: past, present and future? In which area of your relationship selection do you need guidance? Would you like a "do over" when it comes to your relationship selection history?

What kind of shoes do you like?

Tell us about your preferred size(s)? Colors? Heals (short/high)? Practical, flashy, economical, expensive, etc.?